This is the letter I have put together to apply for the position of England Manager. I sent it to the Sunday Times and am waiting to see if it is published. I shan’t know until my master brings the newspaper back from England.
23rd November 2007
I have heard that Brian Barwick has not ruled out non-English applicants for the position of Manager of the England football team and that he is looking for a root and branch review. As a Belgian dog who is very familiar with both roots and branches I am convinced that I couldn’t possibly do a worse job than the last incumbent. I am in the process of moving to live in England and will be available to take the job on from the end of January. I hope that the fact I will be living in the Middlesbrough area will not be held against me.
The diet is not going all that well. Fortunately, for me, my mistress finds me irresistible when I ask nicely for something. Yesterday I asked whether it would be all right for me to eat the ‘long lasting, low fat, chew’ that I was given as a present by my mum. It was hard for my mistress to say no, as she was about to tuck in to a piece of steak. ‘Long lasting’, turned out to be about five minutes. ‘Chew’ was what I did to get large pieces off to swallow. ‘Low fat’ became irrelevant as I was up in the night with an upset stomach. When I get up in the night, it means my mistress had to get up in the night. I can assure you at both 2am and 4am she is not a pretty sight!